Car Trouble 2
Snake Plissken is Mike Brewer in Escape from New Car Tax
Last time I’d found an old TV proposal down the back of the sofa called Car Trouble and foisted it on you as some sort of lost gem of an idea. Certainly putting an ‘80s Kurt Russell as presenter has given it a fresh spin, however in this Part 2 scenario we have co-opted Snake Plissken out of Escape from New York to do the honours. He at least has the skills to thump and possibly shoot people if they get in the way of the story.
Car Trouble a Television Proposal for Channel 4 in 2000 or so. Let’s start where we left off last time which takes us to the wonderful world of auctions. There will of course be some ‘For Sale’ diversions to amuse and entertain.
Car Trouble 2
5. Hammered!
Kurt stands in front of the auction rostrum with a stopwatch. He clicks when the auctioneer starts the bidding. When it is all over Kurt shows the stopwatch to the camera.
Snake: “How long does it take you to buy a car, two weeks? Two months? Maybe you’d think about it for a year or two, but would you actually buy a car in just 75.3 seconds? Things happen fast at an auction, very fast.”
Talk to a full time pro like Julian Trim who buys on commission for members of the public.
What do the trade do to rip ordinary punters off? IE create bidding rings so that only they get the cars. Taking fictitious bids ‘off the wall’ to push up the price is legal.
Public horror stories, ‘I bought a stolen car… one that blew up…was threatened in the car park by someone who desperately wanted the car.’
Go to a dodgy regional auction and film undercover nefarious goings on.
Government Surplus Auctions seem like a good way of buying a Land Rover, or commercial vehicle, but what state are these vehicles really in?
Sell a car through an auction. Find some ordinary members of the public with a car that hasn’t sold through the classifieds. They are desperate to sell so help freshen it up and get some hard cash back the auction hall.
Go to some of the big American auctions. Go to Drugs Enforcement Agency seizure auctions where they have drug dealers’ Ferraris and Porsches for sale.
How to bid successfully at an auction. Snake’s virgin guide to checking the cars.
It’s 2025. There are auctions and there are auctions and a salvage one is compulsive viewing, especially when you can do it from the comfort of your home. Register with Copart for £100 and start searching for something interesting. What I stumbled across was a 1992 BMW 525i Sport which had some front end damage that I couldn’t see and some knock on mechinical issues. Nevertheless the bidding had been strong and with not long to go (a day and a bit) it was at £925. Someone wants it for an M5 reshell. I loved it. The Slog rating a strong four.
6. Greasy Monkeys
Snake is pictured through a hole. Cut to Snake covering the hole with bits of chicken wire, newspaper and underseal.
Snake: “If a job is worth doing then…maybe you can get away with bodging it a bit.” “That’ll do.”
Snake talks to consumers about their worst experiences. Look at the damage caused, or reinact the events. Latest OFT Report proves that here is much to be frightened of.
Service intervals. Are they a manufacturer scam? Although intervals are getting longer, does your car really need anything more than an oil change and safety check each year? Snake asks the experts.
Do we need garages? Can ordinary people do anything on a modern car? Time and observe a professional mechanic, competent amateur and novice.
Send a car to several garages (Main agent, Kwik Fit, local independent, mobile etc) with pre prepared faults. Who spots the deliberate mistake? Ditto getting quotes for work. Is menu pricing actually cheaper?
Snake reverses a car into a lamppost and then investigates the dodgy world of bodyshop quotes. Thatcham guidelines stipulate how much and how long a job should take. So why are there such big differences in the quotes? What if the researcher says, not through insurance - will it be cheaper?
Snake considers the DIY option. With a Haynes manual and screwdriver we should all be able to swap a headlight, or a set of wipers blades, but why the difference in prices. Originals, pattern parts and even the option of buying from abroad, many parts are now cheaper, just like new cars.
Snake’s 5 point guide to avoiding grief in the garage.
7. Swimming with Sharks
Snake walks into a showroom then is frog marched out again by a bloke in a suit to the forecourt and is seen signing some papers on the bonnet of say a Reliant Robin.
Snake: “Blimey, I only went inside to ask the time, now I’m sign on the dotted line for one of these. Car salesmen, what are they like? Apparently they are sharp suited thick skinned sharks, but is that really fair?”
Snake goes on a sales training course. Over cover with a legit manufacturer, maybe a researcher under cover with an aggressive car supermarket to see how they are told to sell.
Do some undercover shopping of showrooms to find out how different sectors of society are treated. An ethnic, a scruffy person, a female, maybe someone in a Lion costume. Are they all treated alike?
Find the world’s rudest salesman. Probably in America somewhere. There are lots of real characters that advertise on local TV, mad Tony’s motorworld etc. characters,
Talk to a psychologist about what makes a salesman tick. Body language, What are the dos and don’ts of negotiation.
Finance is the way that the majority of buyers get ripped off. Negative equity cars are the new scandal.
Do we still need sales people? Look at the dot com car dealer revolution, car less showrooms.
How to get the upper hand. Assertive train a person whom the salesman always bullies and transform them into someone who can negotiate anything.
Snake’s 5 point showroom survival guide.
It’s 2025: As times are hard for Jaguar we thought it was a good idea to skip along to one of their showrooms to see if we could find something new or used that would be interesting. First off, all the new ones have been registered, so it was just a questioned of shifting through the approved used. At Marshall’s in Melton Mowbary a 2021 F-Type , a 2.0 P300 R Dynamic with 21,000 miles is £34,834. Jaguars are rare old things these days so that’s an easy four Slogger.
8. Beware of the Dog
Snake is pictured next to a pristine car. As he starts to talk the camera closes in on him as he walks around the vehicle and then pans back to reveal that the other half has been written off.
Snake: “So just how do you spot a good car from a bad one? Is it years of experience? Maybe it is luck, or is it just sheer commonness. Using your ears and eyes to look at what’s right in front of you…whoa!” (Snake double takes.)
So how do the experts spot a good car? Snake talks to professional inspection engineers from ABS, RAC etc.
Members of the public relate their worst car buying disasters with reinactments of these events.
Not all car dealers are bad. To prove it Snake scans the private classifieds and finds some of the worst cars on sale in the UK.
So what makes a nightmare car. Look at the Trading Standards black museum of two cars joined together, rebuilt write offs, stolen cars, clones etc.
Have some fun by identifying and driving the worst cars ever built, so all the usual suspects like the Trabants, Marinas, Ladas.
Celebrity nightmare cars, I have interviewed quite a few celebrities over the years including Ian Botham, Uri Gellar and Dale Winton.
Snake’s 5-10 point guide to buying the best used car.
And it’s 2025...When it comes to terrible cars, one that were awful new and often even worserer when used were Trabants. So rather than upset anyone in the Morris Marina Owner’s Club, we will just go full on two stroke Trabbie. There are some stupid prices being asked for these rotters, but go to Europe and there are dozens to choose from. I’m not going to pay much, under £3000 and for £2700 we can get an interesting Trabant 601 Combi Universal 1966 Blue 2-stroke in Holland. It’s a Trabbie van, what could be more terrible? Worth a couple of Slogs surely.
Possibly Used Cars The Film, except that it is brilliant, directed by Robert Zemeckis probably best known for Back to the Future. Anyway, Kurt Russell is Rudy Russo, the top salesmen at the New Deal used car lot run by Luke Fuchs (Jack Warden). Caught up in a crazy feud between Luke and his brother Roy (also played by Warden) who runs the rival car lot across the street. Essentially it all ends up as a Trades Description dispute, having to prove that there’s a mile of used cars. Well worth your time and effort especially if you can find the Blu Ray from Eureka Films.
See you next time.
Please note that all images are copyright of the selling garage, no recommendation is made for any vehicle featured and ideally it is best to go and check for yourself.
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