Munich have a Problem

How to easily fix their design crisis

Munich have a problem

How to easily fix their design crisis

FUGLY. They just are. All grille, not so much action. Odd body creases. Proportionally challenging. That’s without going anywhere near the build quality issues, those weighty batteries or screen heavy interiors that blight all modern motor cars.

BMWs were once handsome beasts. Purposeful, business class travel with a seriously sporty something for the weekend. We expected the Hofmeister Kink, kidney grille, four headlamps and until it became a victim of EU regs, the front hinged bonnet.

That was then, this is now, things change and all that, except that BMW themselves suggest that it is possible to time travel and buy some new old products inspired by some of their greatest hits. Just imagine if you could get your favourite E number remade, reimagined, with some useful tech updates. Munich could probably name their price for that.

So what is it that BMW are actually offering? Well you will have to make do with two less wheels than you are probably used to, but it will be worth it. Welcome to the BMW Motarrad Heritage range.

I’ve picked the BMW R 12 S which is a tribute to the R 90 S, which in 1973 delivered a useful 67 hp and a top speed of 200 km/h. Significantly it was the world's first production motorcycle, with a handlebar fairing designed with aerodynamic attributes. It wasn’t just good looking. At the Production TT in 1976 on the Isle of Man, Hans-Otto Butenuth and Helmut Dähne celebrated a class victory. In the same year, Steve McLaughlin also won the prestigious 200 Miles of Daytona, and his teammate Reg Pridmore became the first AMA Superbike Champion in history.

"The defining design elements of our R 12 S include the handlebar- mounted cockpit fairing with the tinted windshield, the seat with contrast stitching, and the Lavaorange metallic paint finish as a nod to the legendary R 90 S Daytona Orange from 1975. The design is perfectly complemented by details such as the red-laid 'S' on the side covers, the red double line, and the brushed and clear-lacquered aluminium surfaces of the tank and seat hump," explains Alexander Buckan, Head of BMW Motorrad Design.

There is lots of standard kit and classy retro features so let’s largely cut and paste what they are. That would be the Classic II wheels with wire spokes and shiny, naturally anodized aluminium rims. The handlebars and fork tubes are in black. Billet pack Shadow are the left and right ignition coil covers, the oil filler screw, and the cylinder head covers coated in Avus black metallic matt. The Billet pack Shadow II includes the footrest system including foot brake and gear shift levers, the pillion footrests, the hand brake and clutch levers, the expansion tank covers for the front brake and clutch, as well as the handlebar end mirrors.

Further standard features include the Comfort Package, which includes Hill Start Control, Shift Assistant Pro, Heated Grips, and Cruise Control. For even more safety during night rides, the adaptive cornering light Headlight Pro ensures better illumination of the road in corners. Updates are important here so you can mix and match a lot of important features to make your motorcycling experience more retro, or possibly more modern.

Because the BMW R 12 S is based on the BMW R 12 nineT, so all accessory products such as titanium exhaust systems, soft bags, or the navigation preparation can also be used for this motorcycle. For example, the already expressive dynamism of the lines can be further enhanced with the short rear end, which is available as an Original BMW Motorrad Accessory, and the black license plate holder attached to the swingarm. Additional factory-installed options are also available, such as Tire Pressure Control (RDC), Anti-Theft Alarm System (DWA), Intelligent Emergency Call, Connected Ride Control, and the digital display with micro-TFT display as an alternative to the classic round instruments.

Before you add any of that kit it’ll cost you £18,460 to put it on the road.

Now obviously, and I say obviously, a retro bike is easier to concoct compared to a car. Less bits and that is a technical term. Less paperwork too. Making cars is a flipping nightmare in that respect. The thing is that BMW will insist on reminding us how wonderful their old stuff was and it makes the new stuff look bloated, slow and stupid.

Just a couple of months ago they made an announcement with an uncharacteristic amount of verve. It read

VRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! which is very encouraging and positive announcing World Tour: BMW Art Car Collection celebrates 50th anniversary. 20 cars are appearing at various galleries and events around the world which is nice, but not all the cars at once a selection. If it was up to us then it would be all the proper oldsters. Actually no, I just looked at the list and they are all pretty solid. I’d take the first 19.

Alexander Calder / BMW 3.0 CSL / 1975, Frank Stella / BMW 3.0 CSL / 1976, Roy Lichtenstein / BMW 320 Group 5 / 1977, Andy Warhol / BMW M1 Group 4 / 1979, Ernst Fuchs / BMW 635 CSi / 1982, Robert Rauschenberg / BMW 635 CSi / 1986, Michael Jagamara Nelson / BMW M3 Group A / 1989, Ken Done / BMW M3 Group A / 1989, Matazo Kayama / BMW 535i / 1990, César Manrique / BMW 730i / 1990, A.R. Penck / BMW Z1 / 1991, Esther Mahlangu / BMW 525i / 1991, Sandro Chia / BMW M3 GTR / 1992, David Hockney / BMW 850 CSi / 1995, Jenny Holzer / BMW V12 LMR / 1999, Olafur Eliasson / BMW H₂R / 2007, Jeff Koons / BMW M3 GT2 / 2010, Cao Fei / BMW M6 GT3 / 2016, John Baldessari / BMW M6 GTLM / 2016, not too keen on the 2025 Hybrid, so I left that off the list.

Most of the paint jobs are modernist claptrap, the Lichtenstein is alright but it is of course what’s underneath that inspires our real desire. As much as I adore the CSLs, M1 and all the M cars are there any which embody the spirit of Bangernomics? Well the Shed 7ish 730i does, 525i and at some points in recent history the 850i was a super risky buy.

Here’s everything you need to know about the Art Cars https://www.bmw.com/en/design/history-of-the-bmw-art-cars.html

Anyway the Bangernomics suggestion that a retro programme like the bikes would work for BMW has been made real. Six months ago I bought a 2001 320Ci. It is the pinnacle of E46ness. I’ll call it the Hammerhead Shark for now. Arguably the last of the truly handsome 3s I won’t go into huge detail at the moment. I’ve actually been using it for work and the most useful feature has been the folding rear seats that allows quite long pieces of cargo on board. As a pseudo van it has paid for itself already. Briefly this is a one owner, with a short term interim keeper, who I bought it from. It’s covered less than 1000 miles a year. Literally ‘Trophy Wife’ spec, originally ordered with every option box ticked it lived at BMW main dealers at service time up until 2023. MOT passed, but the ten year old tyres might have all the tread, but they need to be replaced. Dear reader I did overlook an indifferently repaired offside front wheel arch. Didn’t spot it until the day after purchase. Clearly I’m getting too old for all this. Updates as and when, it’s a working, not a show car with fat balloon profile tyres and a glass electric sunroof. And yes it’s always the prettiest model in the car park.

Are you paying attention BMW?

See you next time.

Please note that all images are copyright of the selling garage, no recommendation is made for any vehicle featured and ideally it is best to go and check for yourself.

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