Panda in a Coma

It's serious: Marketing Pandas used to be clever, not anymore

I have realised that the whole point of doing this each week is just to have a moan about how terrible motoring things are now and how much better motoring things were then, whenever ‘then’ actually was. It’s an easy win for me and I have lots of fun doing it. There will be a reverse ferret approach soon when I just might put some Squeezable cool cats among the funky Lieutenant Pigeons to use a clunky, dated, popular music metaphor that you might have to ask a grandparent about, when I claim that classic cars might well be rubbish. For the moment though old Pandas and in particular, old Panda advertising was light years ahead of the current Grande attempt to get you to sign on the dotted line. Indeed the old Panda was the very model of design excellence, practicality and just all round goodness compared to the vulgar one we are now being invited to consider.

So what exactly has happened? Well, FIAT has teamed up with Shaggy, the bloke behind “Boombastic.” To celebrate the original’s 30th anniversary, as if that really needed a celebration. Never mind because Mr. Shaggy has recorded a new, modern rendition and filmed a new video, featuring the Fiat Grande Panda. Not only that, the correlating single, “Boombastic (Fantastic)” has been re-released via Universal Music.

There has been a sort of collective madness at Stellantis marketing because what’s happened is that they have apparently taken inspiration from the iconic song, then used it to create a commercial, to launch the new version of the Grande Panda and spread the message that “Life is Pandastic.” In detail they claim that, ‘the Grande Panda is the essence of FIAT renaissance and the cornerstone of a new era for the brand. This new “family mover” is socially significant due to its flexible and versatile multi-energy platform, which can cater to the needs and expectations of customers from various markets, turning the normality into something fantastic or, better, “Pandastic”. Well that’s what they reckon.

According to FIAT “the Grande Panda turns back the clock straight to the ‘80s with its iconic design, representing the reinvention of an Italian icon. The Italian brand yearns to offer a modern, sustainable, and future-oriented vehicle to those who want to take part in the electrified transition, proposing an accessible, popular, and stylish one at a “Pandastic” price. “ What on earth that is.

It does not end there, with even more marketing guff ‘In a blend of retro-futuristic aesthetics, Grande Panda turns urban mobility into something truly Pandastic, reflecting a lifestyle full of fun, creativity, and personality and celebrating a new chapter, driven by Italian design and inspired by pop culture. Designed for everyday life, it adds a spark of joy. With vibrant colours, clever solutions, and full of personality, it represents the unexpected that goes beyond expectations.’

I haven’t finished, as Fiat tell us that the video shows the family mover’s special roominess, although there isn’t a family it is a insufferable group of youngsters, generation something or other. providing some of the best shoulder roominess in the segment without giving up compact size - 3.99 meters in length, below the segment average — 1.57 meters in height and 1.76 meters in width (without mirrors). I’ve just looked at my copy of Ruppert’s Bangerpedia 1990 – 2000 and the proper original three door one made from 1986 to 2002 was 3.41m long, 1.66 wide and 1.48 high. Big enough for a family of four and sometimes several more as I’ve witnessed in Italy before now. Probably the most interesting statistic is that the original Panda weighed in at 715kg. By contrast the brand new battery one weighs in at 1347kg for the hybrid and 1554kg for the battery one. Auto historians will know that there was battery original Panda, the Elettra in 1990, and arguably if you are going to bounce around town with a battery on board, the original Panda is just the way to do it, especially as it tipped the scales at 1150kg.

I realise that there was a middle period Panda which was not half bad and quite a decent update of the original, but this comparison is more extreme and we are going to bang on about advertising in a minute. Meanwhile, here’s one I spotted a few years ago in Bologna.

This is all anyone needs, or at least needed a few years ago to get around with the least possible bother. The New Grande though seems to have been built to cope with the modern world.

The new commercial, with a joyful rhythm and a colourful setting, was produced by Movie Magic and directed by Joseph Kahn, positioning Grande Panda as the perfect vehicle for daily urban mobility, truly representing the Italian brand for its Italian design, compactness, inclusivity, and sustainability. Excellent that they got inclusive and sustainable in there. Here is the video, which is colourful and fun even if it does feature a bunch of presumably smug millennials.

This new Panda is smooth, thanks to its automatic dual-clutch transmission, has a bamboo-inspired dashboard and there is a lot of pixelation going on an even FIAT claim it to be a theme appearing from the centre of the upper grille to the headlights, which they claim mirrors the cube-shaped windows of the Lingotto building which I reckon no modern customer would be remotely ware of.

What’s really going on here then? Using Mr Shaggy’s song is aimed at the pre teens in the ‘80s who are now around car buying age, well the only demographic who can probably afford either the hybrid of battery one. That’s £20,975 for the Battery and £18,975 for the hybrid. The original one in 1986 was £2200, which adjusted for inflation is now £8238.25. I’d pay that today for one and in a moment we will take a look at what a used one actually costs.

Let’s briefly look at the adverts from years gone by. These are not a modern video or anything viral on social media, but clever, sophisticated and aspirational print advertisements. It is comparing Apples and things that are not tree grown fruits. Here are a few presented without comment, I mean were consumers just brighter in the 1980s?

If I’m so clever, what would I have done as the head of Stellantis marketing? Well, I’d have got in touch with Mr Morrisey out of the Smiths and suggested that ‘This Charming Man’ might make a jolly tune to play. Of course he would need to change the lyrics to ‘This Charming non-binary Panda’. The video with Gladioli going everywhere and Johnny Marr in a Panda suit playing jangly guitar would be just what the cool kids from back in the ‘80s and now in the new car market, would want. Except that if they grew up into miserable car enthusiasts like us, then they’d want a real one. None of these are a cumbersome weighty and show offy SUV Sisleys. I have also just realised that Charming Man in the wrong track and should only be used to promote a Ducato for obvious reasons. No, for it has to be a lyrically adjusted: Panda in a Coma. My people will just have to clear it with Morrisey’s and we will be good to go. Meanwhile, let’s find some real Pandas in captivity and ideally not in an ICU.

Travelling to the home of the original Panda and Link Motors in Rome have a 1992 900ie which according to the non translated description seems to have been restored with a 242K kilometres on the clock. Very tidy thing for £4000. Easy peasey 5 Slogs.

I’ve caved into the cult of the 4×4 purely because this is one of the originals with the offset front grille and this seems to cost buttons when others and five figure Euros amounts. We are still in Rome and involved in the Link Motors franchise network and this scruffy example is £4972. I’ll have that, for five Slogs please.

Auto Scout 24 to the rescue as they come up with a 1985 Series 1 with the funky offset grille in Bremen Germany and dealer Firma T.K., for 6,850 Euros. 66K kilometres, but it seemed honest enough and that’s another 5 Slogger all day long.

See you next time.

Please note that all images are copyright of the selling garage, no recommendation is made for any vehicle featured and ideally it is best to go and check for yourself.

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