Send in the SUV Clones

What the hell happened to automotive design, marketing and motorvation?

Cars have always looked the same. Or at least pretty similar. Depending on the era. I mean just take a look at a bunch of 1920s kit. Headlamp bowls, mud guards, running boards and upright radiators it really was spot the difference. When it came to the model range it was small, medium, large and sports mostly. At least it was understandable, but this was the early days of motoring so manufacturers were just coming to grips with what buyers not just wanted, but could also afford.

Fast forward to the modern era and specifically the 2010 to 2020 decade. It fills my every waking hour at the moment. That’s because I am cobbling together yet another Bangerpedia. I am not sure anyone apart from me is very bothered at this point, but I had noticed that buyers of my other Bangerpedias were focusing on the most recent example 2000 to 2010, as they thought it might help their contemporary buying decisions. That’s a bit of a shame as I really enjoy doing earlier ones and can’t wait to get stuck into the breakdown filled, traumatic ‘70s. Never mind, what my public wants, a couple of middle aged blokes these days, who haven’t really matured beyond teenage automotive obsessiveness, (exactly like me like me then), they get.

Consequently against my better judgement, of what a Banger is and it certainly isn’t (a Battery pack on wheels), because manufacturers don’t make bangers anymore. They mostly stopped in 2010 making anything remotely fixable. So I decided to spend many months of my time putting together a new collection of Bangers which would specifically exclude ones that were purely battery powered. Hybrids get a pass purely because there are loads of them around, but they never get more than three Slogs (Buy a book to find out) because it is going to go wrong and at best there will be a five figure cost to sort it out.

The point I am struggling to make is that when I got to the point of gathering manufacturer photos for reference they all started to look the same. Especially so in the SUV/Crossover section and especially Mercedes, some Audi and BMW. It may be my age and decrepitude, but I was raised next to the A11. I could identify everything in the morning and evening traffic jams going into and out of East London by the age of 3. Not anymore. Not least because all the old Bangers from the ‘50s, 60s and ‘70s that I could clearly identify had rusted to dust by mid ‘85

So how did we get here? And by here I mean being unable to distinguish one reasonably new car from another and being utterly overwhelmed by the number of models to choose from?

In part it is a combination of simply xeroxing a basic design up and down, which has always gone on, but even worse is the niche model overload that car buyers are expected to deal with. Harking back to the old days, where I still live, it really was a case of small, medium, large, then a sporty with roof on, or off and possibly an estate car. That was it. As I never tire of pointing out Ford in Britain brilliantly did, Pop, Anglia/Prefect, Consul and variations of that model combination until fairly recently. Now I find the Kuga, Ecosport and Edge a bit visually baffling especially with the overlooked Fiesta Active thrown into the pocket sized SUV mix.

Clearly designers have run out of fresh ideas, which might be understandable as we are a century plus into making cars and boredom has set in. Of course they are working within regulatory restrictions, mostly related to safety. Overall though the designs are mostly terrible. Derivative, bland and boring they may be, but there are limits to what you can do with a high rise lump of sometimes pseudo Xover nonsense.

Add to that the colossal amount of marketing incontinence and quite possibly incompetence where every possible niche must be filled. It might explain why some models are not around for very long as they just don’t make any money. Having said that, the SUV saved Porsche. Without the Cayenne they may not exist in the same way. People wanted a posh Porker off roader and that leads us onto the crucial simple truth that is: buyers like, no love SUVs. It is all about the elevated view, possibly badge and the fact that you can pack it full of family baggage.

It is possible to cure SUVism? Well yes, Mrs Bangernomics had a whole run of them and adored the elevated driving position and the V8 poke of some of them. However, the desire for a Mercedes, the active dislike of the M Class lead to a compromise low rise saloon C. Economy, performance, comfort, all round reliability and general well being meant that the relatively compact saloon has proved to be a big winner. Suddenly a ponderous, compromised giant hatchback that may have a greta view over the hedgerows, is really no better and far worse than a diesel Transit.

I will be returning to the dismal design issue in a couple weeks with a specific manufacturer to hurl abuse at and actually recommending a course of positive action for a change.

Modern SUVs aren’t all terrible, some were alright. Certainly distinctive, in some cases quite handsome and very useful. Let’s go and look a few for sale.

First off here is a Series 1 BMW X5. They really were good looking and handled extremely well which is not surprising as they are effectively a high rise 5 Series. These are pretty old now and although the V8s are great, here’s a 3.0i which delivers a decent thump of performance and won’t break the bank when it comes to running costs. Car and House a dealer in Essex have this Sport. It’s done 145K miles and it is up for a reasonable £2500. Honestly scruffy, but quite solid so easily a three Slogs, no four for old times sake.

Then there is the Porsche Cayenne. Again the original series which now seem to cost buttons to buy, but absolute fortunes to sort out. It did look a tad odd at first, but now it is a contemporary 911 on stilts with extra doors. More of a 928 for all the family, especially in V8 trim. Woodland Prestige have a rather good looking 4.5 Turbo from 2004. Recent specialist service full MOT and 115K miles. Rather tempted by this even though it could bankrupt you at any minute. I still would at £4500, if it lasts a year that would be fun, so here’s a risky three Slogs.

Mitsubishi Shoguns. Here is a proper working SUV to the point where it is mostly a utility vehicle. They can have issues and the one we ran for a year started to tell me that the gearbox wasn’t well, but it never let us down. Here’s an old 2001 working hard for living with a great big sod off trailer on the tow hook. I picked it because of the petrol power as most seem to be diesels. It’s a 3.5 GDI Elegance with Auto Moto Chesham and up for £2295. 140K miles, just the one previous owner and you can buy the trailer as well if you want. I love this old thing which has side steps and seven seats and seems to be keen to work. That’s Five Slogs right there.

See you next time.

Please note that all images are copyright of the selling garage, no recommendation is made for any vehicle featured and ideally it is best to go and check for yourself.

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