Shed 7 Rebooted

The Best Beige Barge in the Universe

Well, this is a very nice surprise, an E38 BMW in the drive area. That hasn’t occurred since well, almost a decade or so ago when I had the super fun experience of buying a 1999 7 series for five hundred quid and then enjoying it for a few years at minimal costs. It was wonderful and there is a page from an earlier incarnation of Bangernomics Mag which explains all that in more detail..

Imagine my joy when outside everyday I can now drink in this great slug of 728i ness. I would never have mentioned it at all (because it was meant to disappear fairly quickly), except that it is now my third week with this on the drive. Oh actually it is now pretty much a month, we are almost at the ‘finder’s keepers’ stage of things. Maybe it does belong to me. I have the keys and the history and everything. Except that Geoff Buys Cars bought it and I just happen to have parked neatly out front because he asked me nicely.

Anyway, old Geoff will give you his own take on this 7 and whatever he is going to do with it. I took a film of it when it first arrived and I will stick that on my Bangernomics You Tube Channel so you can see it in the metal and might even move it around the drive for a bit so that you can get a flavour of what it’s like.

Overall it is bloody marvellous, but I would say that wouldn’t I? The very first BMW I drove was a 7 in 1983. It was a 735i (an E23 one, E anoraks) and that was a sort of fancy driving test. What I could tell at the time is that compared to a similar generation XJ6 it was several million per cent better and that is no exaggeration. Obviously a Special Equipment version has everything as standard, whereas the averagely built Brit may have looked handsome, but it was a collection of broken dreams. Sevens were just superb and although the E23 looked sturdy and worthy, by the time we got to the E38 it was utter perfection.

Incredibly, I had completely forgotten what a rock solid proposition these things are. They just feel completely sorted and ready for action. Whatever action you have in mind. The bloke who sold me mine all those years ago simply said that. “Whenever I got in it I always believed that if I pointed it in the direction of Scotland it would get me there without a hitch.” Oh yes and he didn’t live in the borders, it was a few hundred mile operation to get to Jockland.

Unlike so many big saloons it is not a soft, soapy load of nonsense. There is no hint of a wallow at any point. Solid is the right word, and the only one that any road tester is ever going to need. That’s why the only engine you need is the 2.8. It is perfect. Never mind that the old thing will tear down the road at many hundreds of miles an hour with a bigger unit up front. Yes I’ll reminisce again by pointing out that the left hand drive manual 745i I had as a part exchange once, was as fast as anyone wanted a large car to be. Not only that, the Transporter bloke from those films also had an E38.

Hollywood tells that us that in the first film, the only proper one with a BMW in it, the Seven could do pretty much anything a decent driver, in that case Frank Martin, would tell it to do. Not a 728i, but a 1995 735i, although some sources say that it is a 1999 example. Others that it is a bespoke creation with no defined year. Who cares? The enchanting thing about the film is how much Frank loves his Seven and cleans it like a proper car nut would. The plot point in the film is that the baddies in the film murder his 7 and that rather annoys him and how we get the revenge arc. Never mind, we truly understand why he loves that car (smart to look at and quick to respond to driver inputs) and that’s why we do to. It makes no sense that Frank switches to Audi in the next two less satisfying instalments, just because Ingolstadt came up with the promotional budget for the anodyne A8. I’ve got all the films on charity shop acquired DVDs so maybe I should review them, as I have forgotten the finer plot subtleties and I would enjoy sharing my banalities with you all. What a shame that the E38 isn’t front and centre of the box, let’s put that right.

Getting back to the original point… No, the smallest six cylinder is fine for just about all non Transporter situations and anyone who tells you any different doesn’t have a clue. Plus the fact with a tiny amount of care and attention with your own throttle leg, you’ll average 30mpg when Seven Seriesing around the country.

You probably knew already that the E38 is the bestest limousine of all, but what about this exact one in a furious shade of beige on my drive? Geoff told me it is a rare colour and yes it is. Again, more time travel, there was a colour called Bahama Beige which was on the 80s colour card that no one bought, and this is a version of one of those. Big cars in bright colours was never really a thing, in the old days anyway. Alpine White is now socially acceptable, but I might as well tell you about the time I sold a Seven Series to the producer of the Carry On films.

Peter Rogers fetched up in the showroom smartly turned out in an old school suit and tie and really liked a bargain. His local BMW dealer had let him down by not offering much in the way of a discount on his next Seven. Who would have realised that the producer of Britain’s most profitable film franchise would be so concerned about the bottom line? Of course he was, and more to the point, with my superior selling skills I could find him the perfect, brand new Seven that no one else on earth wanted.

Back in the ‘80s that was a 732i, precisely because it fell between the entry level 728i and top of the range 735i. Buyers really were either, or, which meant that a 732i was often used as a dealer demo before being resold for less. I found a brand new 732i in Bronzit Beige. Another colour that no one wanted, but for me it was the perfect combination. I can’t remember the discount level, but it was enough to make the creator of the Carry Ons reach into his wallet that was covered in ‘Carry On Screaming’ era film set dust, then after a rubber bat flapped out, counted out the money. I had the small hardship of delivering it to The Dorchester Hotel, almost yards away. I left the keys with the door man and wandered back up Park Lane. An hour later I got a phone call. “Peter Rogers here. You didn’t tell me it was the colour of shit James.”

Anyway, challenged as I am in the colour recognition department, this 728i parked outside is certainly not offensively beigey brown, just brighter than average. Beige is the least of its problems, what it does have going against it is rust. All cars from the late ‘90s and early 2000s, especially from Germany seemed to crumble after a good few British winters. Not Volvos though, but we will come to why that is in a few weeks time.

There are blisters on the wheel arches and drivers doors. Enough blisters to upset the overall cosmetic appeal I sent these pictures to a mate and he said the Iraqi run bodyshop he uses would charge £150 per area to sort it out for pretty much ever. There was a piece of rubber and chrome trim missing from the driver’s door, but I found that in the boot. The boot is another slight issue and that involves the leading edge on the offside. Clearly someone has been detained inside it at some point in pursuit of some gangland debt and they must have attempted to boot their way out of the boot.

Otherwise it is all rather tidy. The interior is very Land of Leather, a sofa store that I think has gone the way off Woolworths. The leather though is as new, with no signs of rust. Actually thumbing through the wad of history turned up at least two separate hide preservation products. That was money well spent. Oh yes digging through the history there have been 6 previous keepers and it is for me, a local car. Sold new by Lind BMW in Norwich, it only seems to have strayed as far as Lincolnshire in ownership terms in recent years.

Once I sit inside I find it very hard to get out it’s so comfy and reassuring, making me feel as though I could make very important decisions. It has all the period details that make it wonderful, especially the dashboard featuring has a screen which is all very Teletext. It’s just for the media system which is a radio, a cassette and CD, which all seems to work well. I could bore you with the colossal amount of bills detailing the 140K mileage, best not to really as there are no nasty surprises.

Clearly there is a part of my car owner being that has a small, no large, section of it that is E38 shaped and it needs to be made whole again. At some stage I’ll get another one and just to see if I could resist temptation, let’s idly scroll through a few examples.

First off here’s the best of the best with arguably six more cylinders than anyone really needs. This is though a really special old thing. Why not consider a 1996 750iL with 61,000 miles and on offer at just £12,989? Stirling Motors have had this is in stock for a few months and it’s a one owner example which previously has been parked in storage waiting for something better to do. And obviously the best thing you can do is buy a 7 Series with a telly, double glazing and prehistoric Sat Nav.

Five Slogs are given far too easily in this Bangernomics area, but hey, it deserves it. Simple as that. Talk to Stirling Cars on 020385 6120

Here is E38 reality. A year 2000 728i example with 173K miles and being sold by a private seller on Classic Cars for Sale. It’s like the Beige one out front except that the rusty rear arches have been sorted out. Plus a new rear petrol tank as well. Also a full service and peeling lacquer dealt with. Had a great history in the description and a no AI description which engaged and entertained and guess what dear reader? Yes it sold within hours. That’s a shame, wasn’t hugely expensive, fairly price and perfect for me.

Slog the Dog agrees that this is yet another fiver. All the history, a year of MOT and someone is enjoying that right now as you read this. Hurry while stocks last really.

And finally let’s find a 728i on Car & Classic which is still for sale. Another 2000, this time with 130K miles and a french registration. It is though a proper right hand drive example which has been sophisticated enough to live in France for a while. Now back in Blighty and waiting to be re-registered with a proper Brit Reg Plate. Apparently supplied new by a dealer I was supposed to go and work for but never did, it’s still yours for just £3650.

Slog loves this one too, so it is yet another five, which is magnificent for no one in particular and is so little to pay for so much quality.

My Shed 7 went to scrap heaven, let’s reboot and repurpose one for the Bangernomics organisation so we can enjoy fun and E38 adventures every week.

See you next time.

Please note that all images are copyright of the selling garage, no recommendation is made for any vehicle featured and ideally it is best to go and check for yourself.

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