Welcome to Valhalla

Return of the Bangernomics Estate

I can’t remember whether I told you this, but I seem to have bought a Viking Longship. More accurately I am back in the Bangernomics groove again. It’s a story that’s as long as a Scandi sailboat, but I will make a tad shorter for the purposes of your attention span. This really begins back at the British Motor Corporations vs Polestar and the follow up half of the tale, BMC vs EV.

Clearly I was showing off by using a sixty year old car like a normal one. I went even further and proved scientifically that the old thing was several million times better than one of those fancy new electricity cars. It was though late summer, with half decent weather. Things though can change and classic car insurance has its limitations, not least the mileage aspect. Some real life happened and journeys needed doing and going everywhere in the old car started to become problematic. There was also the security aspect. If I knew where I was going to park the old Cooper it would have been fine. What I needed was a cheap runabout to do the long miles and then be left in an unsavoury parking area without a worry in the world.

Ideally I was after something relatively small, possibly automatic and ULEZable. I was looking at £1500 Fiat Pandas, then I went fairly close to a fat Golf that was nearby. A Plus of course that was a grand or so. I should have taken notes and pictures, but I was a bit half hearted about it all. Until that is the appointments started to mount up. I carelessly asked some people who should know better, including people on Twitter. I really didn’t want to spend serious money, just a cheapie and had to let a few people down with proper vehicles for sale. A Fiat Punto Evo and a Nissan Juke at too many thousands. Geoff Buys Cars though, had a Volvo to sell. Well he would wouldn’t he?

Turns out it was a part exchange against some Saab he’d had and it was too new for him anyway (March 2001) , so it was just parked in his lock up gathering dust. Sight unseen I agreed to take it on for a few hundred quid.

For details of my exciting journey to the West Midlands, please see the end of this story, or maybe next week. But yes the old thing was covered in dust and I swung past my car dealing mate Bradley who lives out that way and made him insanely jealous of the knackered old thing. He checked it on his DVLA app thing and it came back all good as not stolen, written off or anything else serious.

What I have I got then? Well, this Volvo V70 is not what I wanted, but may turn out to be what I need. It is defined by the fact the mileage was 190K and the number of previous owners, two. There is a folder full of service history which still seems to be with the last owner and I wouldn’t mind getting hold of. What I’ve got is a white marker service history scrawled on the plastic air box cover promising (cross their ripped out Viking victim’s heart and hope to die) that the timing belt and water pump were replaced at 143K.

This isn’t the first V70 in my life. I bought one for Mrs Bangernomics way back when there were children, school runs and the extra fold flat seats that turned it into a 5 and two halves seater, came in handy. I also bought that sight unseen on Fleabay. I sent a low loader to collect it because I was busy and well off at the time. The delivery driver ominously said to me, “Did you see this before you bought it? Wait till you see the other side.” That was a good start, I prepared myself for the worst, but when he left I spent the next hour trying to find what the issue actually was. I suspect it was some sort of tartan paint/pigeon’s milk gag. Or he was just nuts. Cleaning the car revealed a fossilised BLT sandwich compressed under the rear seats. I also got a Elvis Presley Number 1s CDs, so overall we were up on the deal. Especially if you like ‘The King’. That was a very good car indeed which we ran for a couple of years without any bother before giving it to my nephew who took it beyond 200K without issue. Replacing that V70 with a Discovery 2 wasn’t the best move, but that’s a very tragic story for another day.

Just remembered, that previous V70 was automatic and this one isn’t. Took me a few goes to get used to the clutch, but on the long drive home, what a wonderful old cruiser. Once in 5^th you sink into the leather executive chair and relax. There is cruise if I want it and a rather excellent multi speaker sound system delivering radio waves, CD, or Hi Fidelity tape based entertainment.

So far, so good except that occupying the dashboard pop out cup holder where I wanted to clip my phone was a plastic cup. I didn’t pay much attention to what it actually was and simply dropped it into my bag, thinking nothing of it. Until I got home and looked more closely at the contents of the lidded cup. Fag ends. Bloody hundreds of them. Ash was in my bag, it was a nightmare. My mate Bradley’s vehicle checker had failed to point out that the previous owner had been a chain smoker.

It may be a bloke thing, but for me the V70 did not fail the sniff test. Mrs Bangernomics though could tell from several hundred yards away that the Volvo had an odour issue. She was reluctant to travel in it and we have since sprinkled copious amounts of bicarbonate of soda on the mats, also injected some ‘Comfort’ into the leather seats and headlining. Actually the other place worth investigating is the internal air filter. Dropping it from below the glovebox was a revelation. This V70 had also been part owned by a mouse, something else that didn’t show up on Bradley’s check. I am not familiar with the pungent aroma of mouse wee but a mechanic mate is. All the little rodent left behind was some droppings, but he undoubtedly contributed to the interior ambience so a fresh filter is on order.

The interior is straight enough, but some hounds had also travelled inside along with some awkward loads, so apart from the ingrained leather there is some trim damage, although the dirt came of the headlining easily enough. Cosmetics is not this vehicle’s strongpoint. On the outside there are a few dings, but not so you would really notice and different coloured paintwork around the fuel flap. The offside door mirror is battle scarred, but still works.

What is absent from this 23 year old Volvo is rust. Compared to the year older Shed Seven which is still on my drive, a riot of bubbles and blisters, the V70 is pretty perfect. On that point what a wonderfully handsome estate this is.

Here is the point at which Volvo became part of the Ford empire, but the good news was just how Swedish the V70 remained. Ford bought Volvo in 1999, but the Swedes already had its P2 Platform ready and used it for the S60 and the S80 before putting the V70 on top of it. The man responsible for it was the very wonderful Peter Horbury who sadly passed away this year. I met him once in a bar in Japan and he bought me a beer, which was very decent of him. I can’t remember what we chatted about, but I should have asked him if the design of that protruding grille, bonnet and the curved, horizontal headlights were inspired by the design of Viking boats. Or was just marketing and PR nonsense.

I would like to think that this was all about the Nordic mythology and by way of celebrating that connection I have called the V70 the Valhalla Wagon and childishly even made a sticker to that effect. It seems to have arrived in my life at the right time though. There has been snow, but it has not settled.

It is absolutely huge and bit daft to just have me and sometimes Mrs Bangernomics on board. Certainly no lack of flat loadspace as the boot goes from 485 litres and with the 40/20/40 folded, a colossal though not class leading in its era, 1641 litres. (According to the not always strictly accurate Ruppert’s Bangerpedia 2000-2010 the Mercedes E was 1974 and the Vauxhall Omega 1801 litres). It is certainly amusing to catch site of that very flat load bay, because from the driver’s seat it resembles the landing deck of an aircraft carrier, if it was carpeted.

I don’t know if it would be of any benefit to you to join me on this Volvo V70 journey, but if you did, there are several to choose from.

Let’s start with a 2003(03) 2.4 170 S Auto. It comes with a full MOT and service history sold by Unlimited Motors via Ebay for £1999 and quite properly described as low mileage with 151K on the clock, it had a cam belt and water pump around 25K miles ago.

Slog reckons this is the one I should have bought, as he knows I prefer big automatics. And yes I do talk to an imaginary cartoon dog, but we’ve know each for over 30 years. Anyway that’s a four Slog Volvo

Then there is this 2007 Volvo V70 2.4 D5 SE auto finished in metallic green with cream leather interior. The cam belt on this one was done at 100,000 miles which was way back in history in 2019. In the future, July next year, the MOT runs out. Two crucial words are smoke and pet free. Not only that it is wearing a matching set of Michelin all season tyres. One owner too and it has to be worth £2500.

A private sale on Autotrader with rather lovely 17 inch Orestes alloys. Another must buy according to Slog so it’s an easy four.

Finally, here is a 2004 V70 that is similar to mine with 200,700 on the clock, a rather winning set of photographs and reason for selling. Peter, because it is he in the picture, would appreciate a disability friendly car (that means higher) in possible part exchange. He has a 2004 manual example with black leather seats and I quote: “These Volvos were used by some police forces in early 2000's. Reluctant sale. Price firm”.

We like Peter and there’s a picture of his smiling Mrs that we didn’t include, but you will find this on Gumtree and that firm price is £850. We know it looks like random pictures from the back of the phone mostly taken outside Waitrose or at the end of the street, but it gives it the homely feel that Slog loves and he would be more than happy to live in the back of their V70. Yep it is a friendly five.

Let’s leave it right there on a positive note. I am sure you enjoyed the HiKennys top 10 vote on TwitterX last week which proved that real cars win: Vauxhall Royale. The Epilogue was going to be “Why we need/love cars” It relates to the whole episode of going to buy the Valhalla. To do it justice though, I will start with that next time (possibly). Hopefully it will be worth it. See you then.

Please note that all images are copyright of the seller and the website and are intended for illustration only, please find the vehicles listed and make your own enquiries.

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